I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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