we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
