matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You left your phone here
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