Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
