I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
