Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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