I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
