I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
