I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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