He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We’re leaving where are you
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