Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
