i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize