you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
