Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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