All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You took a bar mat shot.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
