hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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