There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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