I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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