and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
