So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
