Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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