just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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