so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
that's an acceptable place to lick
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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