Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
