How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
