Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
