If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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