I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
