my being single is dangerous.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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