It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
