The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You have to summon your inner elephant
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
