I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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