Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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