My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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