I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
