bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
