Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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