Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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