i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
