Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
