capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
