did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
