Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
