If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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