be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
