Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
