listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
