There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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