if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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