Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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