An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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