if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
