If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have demons in me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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