U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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