Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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