I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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